Are you willing to give anything?

Lately, I have been reading, digging, and thinking. Yes, thinking. Like deep thinking on things that have provoked my heart. One being, what does it mean to give up "anything" for Christ? What does this look like---  laying down anything and or everything to follow and obey? This is what I have been wrestling with in my head the last few days. What does that look like for my family? What does it mean and where will it take me?

It's hard to wrap my head around what this complete act of faith would look like. In the past, I would have been terrified by this thought process and the idea of not being in control of things. I have learned these last few years that I am not in control. I don't control what happens next in my life. God is in control of my life! He is teaching me and molding me. Whether it be watching as my oldest and firstborn walked through sickness and not having any control of how he would tolerate chemo. Wrestling with and crying out questions to the Lord like... what does it mean as he grows up? Will he have side effects from chemo? Will he have learning disabilities from his tumors? Will he need multiple surgeries to fix his flattened vertebrae due to the tumors? Yet even in this questions of doubt and fear I have seen God at work these last few years. Toby has had no mental delays. He walks, he runs, he climbs like a normal 3 year old toddler boy. Toby throws tantrums like any 3-year-old does and he talks nonstop. His bones have healed and his vertebra have actually started to rejuvenate bone growth in the last year, according to imaging. Toby kept every hair on his head during chemo--- answering my prayer that I said out of fear 3 years ago. So if He can and continues to do all this for me and my family, what does is look like to be able to give Christ "anything"?

I have trusted Christ with my son's life, so why do I still struggle with "everything and anything"? I don't know what is in store in the days and months ahead but I do know this. I want to be willing to lay "everything and anything" at my Fathers feet. We are told four times in the first 3 gospel's alone to "take up our cross and follow him" (Matt 10:38, Matt. 16:24, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23). To me, if something is repeated over and over again it probably is important to listen up! So Lord, my prayer this morning as I ramble on sharing the thoughts through my head that you use me and let me be willing to "deny myself, and take up my cross and follow you."

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